To Be Feared Is My Fear 2

Chapter 2- Home or House?

The lessons of the day crawled by. Minute by minute , hour by hour. I stayed in my cubical for lunch and most people would be glad to go home by the end of the day. However home (or more accurately the house) was only marginally better.


I walked slowly home in the cold. The sky was grey like paper which has had pencil lead and water smudged all over it. The sky reflected my mood  more than even the blackest nights would. I find night beautiful, I remembered Mother's wise words “I like the night, without it we wouldn't see the stars”.How right she was. In the depths of winter when the sky was black I loved to see the light of the  moon, the stars, the car headlights and the lamplights contrasting against the darkness. Whoever said blackness was despair was wrong. Blackness makes me happy, it makes me see the hidden beauty in the world but grey skies speak of monotony, despair, loneliness and regret. The sky matched my mood. I was to sad to cry, I could feel only nothing.

Feeling the cold wind brush against my cheek I used my door key to get into the house. No one welcomed me in, no one asked me how my day was. Father knew that only if it was happy would I have something new to tell. He did not ask because he knew the answer. I did not ask because I did not want to burden him. I crept into the bare cold house. It was a modern characterless thing. Old houses are not creepy, they are beautiful. Modern houses show the misery of monotony. I climbed the stairs and opened the door to my bedroom. Like the rest of the house it was painted cream. Father had not bothered to unpack my  boxes which added to the gloom. I took my bag of my shoulders and preceded to do my homework on the pine floorboards for even my desk was still in pieces near the window. This is my life. I do not blame Father for it. I ruined my life and his. Its my fault.

As soon as I had finished my homework (a tedious piece in RS about celibacy and some trigonometry exercises) I scrambled in my boxes for a book. I choose a fantasy manga which once I had been obsessed with despite my sadness however I could not appreciate the words. Eventually I gave up and relined  on the mattress on the floor. Gradually I fell into a fitful sleep.


A face floated into my dreams, a tanned golden face almost obscured by artificial blonde hair. A face transformed  from cruel  mocking laughter into fear and sadness. A face which used to fill me with hate only brought now more revulsion for myself. Her lips parted........

I woke screaming. My throat was dry and raw from that scream. The light filtered through the white curtains ; it was morning. I reluctantly got up to welcome the day. A day that could not be filled with happiness - after being visited with that dream it was certain..................